We All Started Somewhere
For years I have struggled with my body image and my eating habits. It all started in middle school. I had the perceived notion that I was "fat" and hated what I looked like. I would hide my body in bigger clothes and refused to take my sweatshirt off, even if I was sweating from being so hot. I began fad diets and tried to eat "good". This is what started my binge/restrict cycle that would end up becoming worse and carry on through college. I could never stick with the diets and would end up binging because I had "already ruined my diet". This was the worst mindset I could've had.
In high school, my self-esteemed tanked. I thought no one would like me because of the way I looked. I was an athlete and enjoyed working out. But, I saw working out as a way to lose weight, not as a way to take care of my body. I thought about what I looked like non-stop and food ran my world. I would look at other people's meal with envy because I didn't know how they could eat and not feel guilty.
Once I got to college, my binging got even worse and binges would last weeks to months. I continued to hide my body in giant clothes and I gained 30-40 pounds. I felt the worst I had ever felt about myself. Not only had I gained weight, but I had hurt my metabolism from the constant binge/restrict cycle I was on. This past year I got to the root of the problem and began therapy. I worked through a lot of issues that played a huge role in how I saw myself. One of my goals was to start taking pictures of myself. As silly as that sounds, I stopped taking pictures all together because I hated what I looked like in them.
I started working on taking care of myself and stopped restricting. I worked on eating a balance diet (I hate that word, I prefer lifestyle eating). Now, I have the best relationship with myself and food. I wear clothes that make me feel pretty. I am intentional with everything I do in the sense that I am taking care of my body - something I never thought I could achieve. I really thought that I would always hate myself and I would always view food as good versus bad, instead of fuel. I am still in disbelief at times because I can't believe this is my life.
I have gone on to obtain my certification in personal training and now am a bikini competitor. I have lost 50 lbs in the process, with a total body recomposition. I am in love with the process and enjoy what I do.
I have come a long way and I definitely have more room for growth, but I am proud of myself for what I have accomplished.